No, this isn’t a political blog. This is an attempt at satire… Read more and let me know how I’m doing.
The world’s soccer mom’s may pride themselves on individuality, but I’ve noticed that a lot of them are off driving minivans these days. Recently our friends the Fishers purchased a very nice van that they are über proud to own. It’s one of those things where the family scrimped and saved to be able to avoid as much debt as possible, and now they’re reaping the rewards of their frugality. *digital bow of sincerity*
So back in the day when you got a new car you were instantly transformed into the envy of the neighbourhood. Now our excitement spills over to the online audience of grandmas, friends, and obscure relatives with facial hair (you know who I’m talking about–every family has one). So they posted photos on their blog. I managed to snag one of them I’d like to share with you tonight.
Now I’ve grown up with remote controls my whole life. Call me dated, but our first remote was corded to our Beta VCR (now I realize that some of you might not know what I’m talking about so I’ve linked to the article to help you). Back then remotes used to have their own separate section of the instruction booklet. In the early 80’s you literally had to teach people that pressing a button caused something to do something. Like “Play” meant the VCR would “Play” the movie. “Fast-forward” and “Re-wind” were new terms justifying at least a paragraph each in the user’s manual.
Now look at this remote. No instruction manual is needed. Press the lock and it locks. The open lock unlocks it. The “trunk x2″ button probably means you press it twice to open the trunk–or that you press it and get twice as much space in the trunk. There’s a button to make the left door and right doors bigger or open depending on how futuristic the car actually is.
Then there’s the red button. It contains the word “Panic.” Now what exactly do they intend this button to be used for? Ok, so it makes the horn honk and lights flash. It’s a good attention getter. If “panic” were something you’d look for in a date I’m sure more single guys would be driving minivans cruising the boulevard for chicks and pressing the “Panic” button. Sure, it get’s folks to notice you, but probably not in a good way.
Yeah maybe it’s to help work you up into a “Panic.” Ok this might have some merit. Blaring horn and blinking lights are annoying. Press the button and in a couple of minutes you may wish you had installed the optional “gun rack” and nuture your desire to start shooting something. Yeah, there’s a good chance the buton is there to help inspire panic.
One second thought, I’m pretty sure I know what’s it’s not used for… It’s not used to actually tell people you’re panicked. After all, you’re driving a minivan. The back seats probably have the sweet innocent children you’ve brout into the world who suddenly turn on you when you get them in the car. Sure, you swear you’re never going to give them food–not in your new car. Then you fudge the rules–just once–and trust them to be good. Eventually you’ll have gummi-bears stuck in the seats, milk splattered across the side windows, and remember that time you thought your husband was being sweet and took the kids out so you could have a nap? French fries and milkshakes. French fries and milkshakes….. It’s coming.
Yeah, you don’t need to tell the world you’re in a panic. They already know…. you’re driving a minivan.
There is one last possibility… One last reason for this innocent looking red button…
It’s there so the kids can practice pressing buttons. Yup, that’s right. If they get a hold of your keys that’ll be the first one they press. When you hit the unlock button your range is probably a few feet. When you hit the panic button the remote’s range magically increases. Suddenly it’ll reach from the inside of your church building, through the cinderblock walls, and out into the parking lot. Yeah, it’ll happen. Be prepared to hear your license plate from the pulpit.
It’s a good thing my wise readers are well aware that life is full of unaswered questions like: “Why are people sending our current president bags of tea to be delivered on April 1st?” Can’t figure that one out.
Can’t figure out what the usefulness of that panic button is either…. Got an idea? Let me know.
Sometime last month I asked a talented artist to come up with the logo for the 9/11 national fast project. My original logo was terrible. So she came up with this one, and it’s only fitting that I add her logo to this blog.
If you’d like to add the 9/11 logo to your blog just use the code below.
So this isn’t another blog entry where I will try and wake up the world to the threat of inflation, terrorist ideologies, or anything else that matters. No this post is entirely about me. That’s enough reason to stop reading now, but if you’re really bored I could imagine that you might continue perusing a little further down the page. You may want to read because dedicating an entire blog entry to “me” displays pride, and as we all know “pride goeth before the fall.” So if you’re one of those sick people that’s reading to see me crash in a few days on another blog entry please continue on. I’ll be happy to keep 50% of all the earnings from your bet (for or against). Please send the checks made out to “cash” my current address.
In less than7 days I’ve made two local news outlets. The first was Channel 7 KSWO in Lawton, and the second occurred today when the Lawton Constitution published an article on my “Reprise Computer Solutions” project. The attention has been great for the project. I also think it’ll help out the Lawton/Ft. Sill area in getting people to step up their game and help their neighbors. We’ll have to see.
It’s customary when you make the news to tell your family members about it. So when I told my sister-in-law, Lindsay had a rather interesting response.
L: “You’ve been slacking”
J: “What do you mean?”
L: “You made The Herald Journal the first week you were in Logan. You’ve been in Oklahoma for months and they’re just now paying attention to you.”
I laughed. It was poetic, funny, and well-timed. Lindsay gets some serious cool points for that one. We chatted for a while online and discussed having her start the same project up in Logan. If someone would do it, it’s sure to be a hit.
I’ve been loosing cool points all over the place these days. This morning I lost cool points to the crock pot.
When Chrissy and I were first married I managed to volunteer to do the dishes. She smiled, I got hosed. Although she’s helped out now and again, it’s been my job for pretty much the past 8+ years. Sometime last week we had dinner cooked in the crock pot. I didn’t get to cleaning it right after it was done. It took a couple of days. Of course, after a couple of days, it stunk and it got cleaned.
This morning the crock pot was back in the sink defiantly pointing a finger at me and screaming! “HA” it said. “HA!” “Less than 24 hours after you cleaned me, I’m dirty again!” Oooohhhh it was an obnoxious conversation! I was loosing.
Now in my degree we were taught about escalating and descalating conversations. I’ve really wanted to escalate things. I knew just how I was going to do it. I was going to get the last word. I was going to win. I was going to get the sledge hammer.
You could imagine what would have happened if I followed through with the hammer. I mean, really. Whenever you do something violent there’s always someone in the background with a video camera. Whatever you do is bound to end up on youtube.
I graduated cum laude from USU. My professors would have read the blog and taken my degree back. Then the Army would have to take away my commissioning, and Chrissy would have to work longer hours at the “pizza biz.” That would mean more time away from the kids, and more babysitters. The babysitters we’ve hired are already getting a bit worn out from our kids. . . They’re high school students that need to be focussed on grades, not raising my children.
Ada, Mikkel, in the interest of your future, I left the sledge hammer in the garage, and walked away.
Generally when I want to win an argument with Chrissy I say, ” I’m a speech communication graduate, don’t mess with me.” The line doesn’t seem to be working on the dishes. So, if any of you guys have any extra cool points please send them along. I seem to be drastically short these days.
I’ve told Chrissy that she’s not the woman I married. No, that person is gone, and she’s been replaced with someone else. Someone I love better. I don’t take the time to comment on this blog about how much she means to me, because it takes a lot of emotional energy to put down in words feelings that I consider beyond words.
I prefer to leave certain emotions in abstract. They are better left as the colours of my mind. Although the English language has an immense lexicon of words, and an immense amount of flexibility with adopting new ones, none seem adequate. Sure I meet new words every week. This week’s word was pulchritudinous. It’s a rather poetically clever word. I like it a lot, but it just doesn’t seem good enough. Pulchritudinous has part of the colors of my mind, but it’s awkward to pronounce, and doesn’t match the sounds that go with the colours.
So all of this is a bit abstract, and maybe too complicated to understand. There have been times when I’ve highlighted some of the people in my life on this blog, and there are some who are wondering when I will highlight their influence on my life. Honestly, I’m just not ready to do that. For the same reason I can’t say good-bye to people. I simply let them leave, and after a time, pick up life from the last encounter. To me describing a person’s influence in my life, is confining that influence.
I recently was asked to write a letter of recommendation for a professor. It was a difficult task, because as much as I knew I had learned from her, I wanted to leave space to learn more. It’s uncomfortable to write the obituary of influence about someone you care about
The few times I have practiced writing about people here on the blog have been hard tasks to be sure. I have had to train myself to construct something on paper from a “thank-you” perspective or a “hello” perspective. Trying to write others though, it feels too much like I’ve said “goodbye.” It’s considerably easier to post blogs with neat little youtube videos than it is to write about the people who’ve helped make me, me.
What’s brought this all on? I’ve been facebooking and finding old friends from High School. Some are just now getting married, others celebrated their second Christmas’ together. A few have children. A small number of those have more than one. All of them have politely responded to seeing the photos on my facebook account. “You have a gorgeous family” and variations, have appeared in response recently. “Certainly you are blessed.”
What did I do to get these blessings? Well, some of it’s me doing the right things. A lot of it is God’s influence on my life, and a LOT of his influence comes from the good people I’ve been surrounded by, and how I’ve framed the learning opportunities in each relationship. Looking back it doesn’t feel like it took a lot of effort from me. The same thing would happen while hiking. The climb upward would be exhausting, but after reaching the summit it would feel like I could tackle more.
Constructing the obituaries for friendships also feels a bit like putting a limit on the hand of the Lord. Unlike Handel I don’t think I could claim to have seen God on his throne, but I have felt the influence of the angels he has sent me in the friendships I cherish deeply.
I will try and muster the courage to write thank-you introductions. My abilities seem lacking in the very thought, but there’s a void of “thank-yous” hitting the media, and since roeckerfam.com is a media I control, it should be used to this end.
We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
Owing to the rather depressing nature of the news I decided that we all needed a bit of cheering up. These are some of my favourite internet movies. Please take the time to watch them.
Sure, Mormons aren’t allowed to do a lot of things, but did you know that we weren’t aloud to send flowers? Really, you wont hear it at conference, but it’s true…. Just watch.
How effective is our missionary efforts in the church? They’re so effective that nightly comedy shows have turned consultants. Their clients? Al-Queada. It’s an odd blend, but it works rather well.
The internet has helped independent film makers really find their audience. I would so buy this movie if I could. It’s incredible. I feel like I want to be a better person everytime I watch it! Give it a shot. It’s longer than the others, but will probably have you in tears.
From our youth we’re taught to hold still while someone is saying the prayer. We were at your typical LDS ward Christmas party with some friends this month and a funny thing happened. You know the deal, the gym that’s normally a point of contention is decked up for the The party was essentially over and the cleaning crew had begun making its way around the room. We had several half-full cups of water. All of the other dishes could go easily into the trash can, but putting these cups of water in a flimsy plastic bag would cause someone to have a bit of a mess when taking it out.
So I came up with a solution. I took all of the half-drunk cups and emptied them back into the pitchers on the table. The guy cleaning up thanked us for being so courteous, and just as he was finishing someone stepped up to the microphone.
Our friend’s youngest stepped up to the table while someone said the prayer. He was thirsty from running around the gym and poured himself a drink using the water in the pitcher. We knew what he was doing, but we all had to be reverent during the prayer. We couldn’t correct him.
He sucked down half the glass he had poured. The prayer ended, and we all started laughing. Then his mother told him. “You’ve been drinking backwashed water. We wanted to tell you, but we had to be reverent during the prayer. I guess that’s what happens when you’re not reverent.”
2 Comments to Read 
Now I’ve grown up with remote controls my whole life. Call me dated, but our first remote was corded to our Beta VCR (now I realize that some of you might not know what I’m talking about so I’ve linked to the article to help you). Back then remotes used to have their own separate section of the instruction booklet. In the early 80’s you literally had to teach people that pressing a button caused something to do something. Like “Play” meant the VCR would “Play” the movie. “Fast-forward” and “Re-wind” were new terms justifying at least a paragraph each in the user’s manual.
ntially over and the cleaning crew had begun making its way around the room. We had several half-full cups of water. All of the other dishes could go easily into the trash can, but putting these cups of water in a flimsy plastic bag would cause someone to have a bit of a mess when taking it out.
